Wednesday, July 27, 2005

My claim to fame

When I was in the 9th grade we took a school trip to Washington DC. I remeber clearly getting on the bus but I don't remember ever making it to Washington DC. Those of you who know me have heard this story and may skip reading this. On second thought, everyone must read this because my next blog will be a quiz on the contents. It won't be a general subject matter quiz either. The quiz will be very detail oriented. Such as, How many words did I mispell. So don't think if you know the story you can not read this and pass the quiz. It has never worked.

Since the trip to DC was fairly long, we stayed in a hotel halfway through the drive. I bragged on and on during the entire ride that me and my fellow dumbass friends would be sneaking out of our hotel room that night. People told us over and over that they taped the doors. In case you are unfamiliar with taping, here is the general concept. The teachers place a piece of duct tape on the outside of your door. If you leave your room, you have no way of placing the tape back on the door so they know who has naughty and who has been a nerd. They should've thought of taping the window...

We were on the second floor and the girls were on the third floor. There were decorative railings on the outside of the building. Not balconies mind you, but decorative railings. They were about a foot off of the building. You could position yourself so that (get ready) the bottoms of your hands were on the bottom of the top rail and the bottoms of your feet were on the top of the bottom rail. In this way you could shimy, much like a ninja across the building. The girls decided to hang out of their windows in their bras and ask us if we would climb up. Of course we would.

My friend David went up first. I was too scared to watch. I climbed back in bed and got underneathe the covers. I look out moments later and he had made it. My turn. I slid along side the building until I was directly below the whores room. In life we are always trying to reach the whores room, metaphoricly speaking. I placed my feet on the bottom of an open window and began to do a pull up on one of the decorative railings. The fucking motherfucker broke. I fell backwards off this buidling and went sailing to the ground. I landed with my left arm behind me and my knees bent, causing my heels to hit. Much like playing twister, twister with a bunch of whores. My heels shattered and my wrist broke.

Here is the whole point of this story...At the hospital the doctors were not sure if they could even repair my heels. They said it was up to my parents if they wanted to try but it might be just as well to cast me up and let them heal. They said it looked like someone took two eggs and threw them on the ground. They tried the surgery and it was successful. I have a lot of titanium in my feet, but it was successful. I can run, jump and be merry. Since this surgery was seriously never done before, I ended up in a medical textbook somewhere. The doctor took pictures of me throughout the whole process for the book. Why he took pictures of my special places I will never know. Since I hate the textbook companies I was wondering if I should be entitled to any royalties from the sale of this book. I am thankful to the doctors and all, but he is rich and I am poor. What do you all think?

This really was my claim to fame. "Your the guy that jumped off that building and broke his legs aren't you". One time I had a guy tell this story to me, not knowing it was me of course, with all kinds of wrong information. I just led him on. Never told him the truth. hope you aren't reading this. Everyone have a beautiful day. Seriously, beautiful.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I am sick of two things...

Number One: People not knowing we are all one.

Number Two: People saying we should worry about our problems at home and stop sending our money, jobs, and whatnot overseas.

The second is a subsidiary of the first.

The United States was and is a wonderful project. We have created a land where war within would seem ridiculous. Do you know how hard I would have to try to convince anyone that Georgia was at war with New Mexico. The idea does not enter our minds. The reason this idea does not enter our minds is because we know we all are one. We are all working for the common good of The United States. When will this become A UnitedHuman Race? When will we be able to send aid to another country without people saying we have our own problems at home? About a year ago I took a trip to Jamaica and Haiti, and I tell you this, our "projects" would easily pass as their middle class. I have also volunteered at a church in downtown Louisville that makes available 3 meals a day to anyone who shows up. Let me say again, ANYONE WHO SHOWS UP! Nobody is refused. If you go hungry in Louisville, it is by choice. I am pretty sure that these food banks are all around the country. How could you possibly say that we should not be spending our money to help others purify water, grown better crops and use their energy more efficiently. I guess you would rather stick it in a slot machine and say we got our own fucking problems in America.

It should not take disasters, like the Tsunami, for us to help. I assure you, we are all in this together. Every Race, every language, ever nation, every single person. We are all in this together. So next time you here someone say that we shouldn't help out because we have our own problems at home, please smile and tell them that we are all in this together.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

In General

The comments about Bill Hicks that can be found in the previous post's comments are right on the money. I especially like the part about he being ahead of our time but not neccesarily ahead of his. Bill Hicks was most certain a comedic genius. It is amazing to me that not very many people know a lot about him. For those of you who do not know who he is, I will put one his jokes here so you will be more apt to check into his work.

After a show Bill decides to go to the Waffle House for breakfast. Since he is sitting alone, he decides to read a book while he waits. The waffle house waitress approches and says "what cha readin for". Bill thinks, What am I reading for? I've never been asked that! He then replies, "I guess I read for a lot of reasons, but the main one is so I don't become a fucking waffle waitress".

If you are offended by Bill Hicks that I say GOOD! I stand by my idea that no fucking body has earned the right to not be offended.

Last night I went and saw Wedding Crashers. One of the funniest movies I have ever seen. Almost all of the comedy was Vince Vaughn. The rest of the movie was just a stage on which he performed. I am going to have to see it again just to hear the parts I missed because of laughing so hard. Now would be a good time to introduce my movie rating system. Since there is nothing in life more pure than Grandma's, that is what I will use.

1 Grandma - Horrible
2 Grandmas - Bad
3 Grandmas - Didn't want to kill myself
4 Grandmas - Good
5 Grandmas - Classic in it's own genre
6 Grandmas - Classic. Boom!

Wedding Crashers gets a 5 Grandmas. Feel free to rate this movie in my comments but be sure to use the Grandma's system.

Lastly.....5k. Since nobody is reading this fucking thing anyway I will just handle this off the blog. I am going to run the Midsummer nights run in Lexington on the 20th. It is a night time run and it starts at 8:30pm. If anyone wants to run, let me know.

Peace and have a good week.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

5K Run

I want to run a 5k sometime in August. Who is coming with me? Also, will others who want to run and have more time than myself research where some of these may be in Mid August? I am open to run either in Louisville or Indy.

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Onion

The onion is one of the funniest things on this planet. If you do not know what it is, check out the link to your right. I was sitting here thinking what the interview process, at the Onion, must be like. I imagine it goes something like this...

"what are your qulifications"

"Fuck you, you silly llama farmer"

"Your hired"

I think I would make an excellent writer for the onion. If you believe this to be true, please start a petition in your area and send it into the onion. It would be best if your petition was signed in blood. You know, to let them know your serious.

As a side project, I was telling someone today how a friend and I killed time on an 8 hour drive once by coming up with some most ridiculous bumper stickers. Here a few examples.

My grandma is in the trunk
My grandma is black and in the trunk
I am 1/26th seminole Indian
Latin lover for hire

Not sure about that last one. I think you all should post some comments and tell me some bumper sticker ideas. Have a good weekend.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Sorry/Girl Bashing/Crazy War House

I am sorry that I don't get to write more entries here for all six of my loyal readers. I can only really do this quickly at work and I don't feel I can capture my full genius writing so quickly. Believe me, I am a genius. Seriously. A GENIUS.

Every time I sneak off to update this thing, several women at the office look at me like I am not doing my job. They then huddle in little groups and talk about how I am not doing my job. They then call all of there women friends and tell them about how some asshole at work is making more work for everyone by not doing their job. I could write a whole entry about how I not only do my job geniusly, but also do more work than the whole school (I only use school here because nobody around me knows what you call a pack of whales) of them combined. I hate drama. For all of you all out there that create needless drama by worrying about what everyone else is doing, I wish you would by a one way ticket to Sudan and help out. Then come back and see if your worrying about my shit so much.

I started this entry to talk briefly about the crazy house across from my house. I will go more in depth later. This is one of those houses where people live who need assitance. This is not about having a physical handicap and is not about being completely incompetent. This is about being a "little off". These guys can walk around the neighborhood and whatnot. As far As I can tell they have all been in a war. I know this because several times when it is 105 degrees outside they will appear in full battle wear. I also say this because I have met a couple and they have told me. The last guy I met was in Korea. We had a ten minute normal conversation before he told me that the reason he lived in this house now was because of the rocket that blew by his house every night. I intedend this only as an introduction. I will write a longer entry about this house on a future date. On this day be prepared to be introduced to The Crazy Indian, Earmuffs and Lincoln Log. Have a safe weekend. Sorry for the mispellings and grammar but these damn girls are rushing me.
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