Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Golf, Sports, Mickey Mouse, Etc..

So, I have recently started playing Golf pretty regularly and I have to say, it is the hardest sport I have ever attempted. This has started me thinking about my sport playing past and that got me thinking that you all would like to know about it. So here ya go:

As a kid. Pre 6th grade.

Little League Baseball – I was the worst player on the team. I remember always hanging out in the dugout with this kid who hung himself with a belt from his bunk-bed a couple years later. I did get put into the outfield once when our first string outfielder was knocked out by a foul ball from the High School field. I got one hit all season that was promptly caught by the third baseman. I was so excited I even hit the ball but nobody else seemed to notice.

Little League Soccer – I think I was a little better at soccer but still not good. My only memory of playing soccer was not having on the same game shirt as the rest of my team. I think I lost my shirt and was forced to wear the closest yellow colored shirt that came close.

9th Grade

Tennis – Now this was finally something I was good at. I only was able to play Tennis for one year due to my accident in which I broke some bones. I did enjoy playing and even picked it up a little later in College and whatnot (for fun only). My biggest advantage while playing tennis was that sometimes the sweat from my boobs and stomach would form an outline of Mickey Mouse on my shirt and make the opponent laugh hysterically. Looks more like Winnie the Pooh now that I redraw it. No, I did not draw that picture.

Currently I get my ass handed to me at least once weekly by my cousin in racquetball. I do not really consider this a sport since 75% of the players are fat.

And Golf. …Which brings me to the reason I wrote this damn thing. The thing about golf is that you are basically playing against yourself. I guess the argument could be made for this with any sport, but it seems a little bit truer in golf. I guess “truer” is a word since it did not get underlined by my new age typing software. I have figured out that the best way to get a good golf swing is to do whatever comes natural and then completely disregard. The next step is to contort my body into the most unnatural swinging position and take a jab at the ball. It then Usually goes somewhat where I want. I am definitely getting better but have little hope of eventually joining the senior PGA tour. The nice thing about golf is that you can get down some things that work well, then read a golf article and completely fuck up everything you had right. I need some lessons.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Help me fight Global Warming on July 1st

I am officially announcing the first annual fight global warming the Brad way day. I might end up calling it the Brad way day for short. Here are a list of a few things I will personally be doing on July 1st.

1) Switching to Energy efficient light bulbs
2) Riding my bike 26 miles to work ( I will have to leave 3 hours early)
3) Speaking to at least 10 people on the seriousness of the problem.

These are things I will be doing. These last three things on the list is what I need your guys help with.

4) Lets all promise to hold our breath for at least 5 minutes out of each hour. This will eliminate our CO2 output and increase our earths life by 1 month for each 100 people who participate.
5) Get a fucking life.
6) Cork as many cows asses as you can.

Yes, on July 1st I challenge you to come to New Albany IN and help me cork as many cow asses as possible. We will naturally be using cork that is made from recycled wood. We will need volunteers to whittle the corks. A cork that will fit up an adult cow ass has to be a lot bigger than you think. We don't ever really get to see the diameter of a cow asshole because the tail is in the way. When you pull back that tail, it looks almost like an entrance to a smurf size cave. We will also need "stickers", "tail holders" and "distracters". The distracters will perform such distractions as; dressing up like giant corn cobs, lakes, and feed barns. I have rented 2 feed barn costumes. The tail holders will be vital in helping the "stickers" get that cork real tight and secure in the cows rectum. I know what your thinking, "Wont the methane just find another hole to come out of eventually?" Well.. I don't fucking know, Mr. doom and Gloom ...But we gotta start somewhere to save this damn planet. Remeber...July 1st. We meet at my place. Children welcome. God Bless a changeless climated America.
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