Gretting Cards

Everytime it is some special day on this planet, we decide to celebrate by getting one another a greeting card. It always amazes me how much they tend to suck. A long time ago I really thought seriously about starting a greeting card company but I know it would be really hard to make any money doing so. Most of my cards would probably have the "f" word, or the "s" word...or the "fsf" word in them. I could only sell them at Speners Gifts and I hate that store. Here are some ideas I would like to throw at ya. If you have any ideas of your own, feel free to leave them. I will group them by which situation we will be using the card for. The format will be {picture on the outside of the card} followed by {text on the inside of the card}.

CATEGORY: Birthday:

Maybe if you ate minature meals, Your fat face and ass would be minature too!
Happy Birthday!




At first I thought this was you.
I now know its not, but man, you two could be sisters!
Happy Birthday

CATEGORY: Easter

You were an accident.

So I have hired the Easter Bunny to kill you.

Happy Easter!

FREAKS and GEEKS

My friend turned me on to this show that was made back in 1999 and only aired for one season. It is one of the best shows I have ever watched. The writing is magnificent. It makes me sad that it was cancelled after only one season. If this show would have kept going, I believe it would have made television history. I have recently been watching the box set. I have only three epsiodes left and I am already sad. You all should check it out.

Who said you could wear jeans?

I originally was not going to blog this blog but something happened today that changed my mind. It was customer service week last week. I guess this week celebrates anyone who has ever had a job that has dealt with a customer. I have no idea why they would dedicate an entire week to this. The percentage of people who have jobs that involve customers must be slim! Somewhere between 99.5 and 100%. Anywho, my company showed there support by giving us suckers with smiley faces on them. Now, while I am all for suckers, I tend not to like it when they say "Go the extra smile" on the stick. As a matter of fact, this pisses me right the fuck off. I put that sucker in my drawer until today. Today I ate it, got pissed off, and decided to execute a plan...

Here is some background you may need to know to help me execute this plan:

I work for a very large company. Fortune something or another. Every day we receive an email letting us know how much cash we brought in that day. The email also tells us if we are on track for our monthly goal. If we are on target, we get? A) New Cars. B) A kick into our profit sharing. (nevermind, we don't have that) C) to wear jeans the next day. You guessed it. We get to wear jeans the next day!!!

"Hey Bill, I know it's close to 5:00pm but will you go ahead and collect that extra 2 million so I can wear jeans tomorrow?"

"Sure Brad, I might try to get it up to 3 mil so you can wear no underpants and your new flamingo cap."

The whole idea of the "100 % of goal" = "jeans" is pretty ok with me. But then I started thinking. What if I am off that day? What if I am on vacation? What if I am too retarded to call and ask someone at work if we can wear jeans tomorrow? "All I'm saying is, somebody better make a fucking HOTLINE I can call!!!"

And so it was born....The Jeans Hotline! If you think I am kidding, here is the number. 1-888-773-7376 Dial 1 Then Ext: 23-4829.

I despise the idea and the actuality of The Jeans Hotline. I am dead set on making it no more. This is where you all come in.

The Plan:

I need everyone to use this hotline to determine if you can wear jeans to your work. I don't care if you are a beekeeper, a gymnist or a nudist colony local chapter head. If the jeans hotline says to wear jeans, wear them bitches! When your boss gets on you, just say "Hey pal, apprantly you aint heard. There is a hotline for this!" I have to believe that eventually, this hotline will be brought to the ground. It must!

Maybe once the cost of the jeans hotline is gone, we will meet our goal. And at that point my friends, I will be a jeans wearing, underpantsless, Customer Service god...going the extra smile! Fuck off!

Comming Soon...

**Post will be available in English and Spanish.
**El poste estará disponible en inglés y español.

Teacher's make too little money

Yes this is just another bleeding heart liberal rant from yours truly. And my solution will piss off you Karl Rove zombies even more.

I just thought of this on the way to work so I have not had a chance to think about how it would actually work. But, what if a percentage of your pay, for life, went back to the school/group of teachers you were taught by. I think I would be willing to contribute 1% of my lifetime earnings. I know it would be a lot easier for me than someone who makes a ton of money. This money could be split up between increasing teachers salaries, creating a board that monitors that teachers are doing their job. I know that this is basically how public education is funded now via our taxes and education spending, but we need to figure out a way to bypass the politics. Straight to the teachers!