Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Energy Crisis

I just watched a documentary on the History channel about the impending oil crisis on our planet. I am decided. There is not much I can do to make a difference, so, I shall do what I always do. I will Cover up my depression over the issue with humor and ignore the disastrous results.

I have been thinking a lot about solutions to the energy crisis and have outlined below my four point plan to save our world. I will submit this plan to Barack O Bama for consideration.

Idea #1 - Harness the power of Asteroids.

Every year tons of debris burn up in our atmosphere. If you ask me, that is a ton of wasted energy. While NASA is too busy playing with their remote control cars on Mars, our country is going to shit. They should be focusing on harnessing the power of burned Meteors. With all the wireless technology nowadays, I am sure Bluetooth could develop a way to wirelessly transmit the energy to us. This would avoid a Tower of Babel type situation where we all end up speaking different languages, AGAIN. Get it together people. Call your congressman.

Idea #2 - There are sure a lot of fat people around here.

When I see all these fat bellies jingling around, all I can think of is the amount of TV that could be powered by the burning of that fat. I say we force fat people to run on non electrical treadmills for at least an hour per day. We then harness the energy created from this to save our known world. I have crunched the numbers and if a 400lb fat woman runs for an hour per day, we could cut our oil consumption by .001% over the next three years. Wouldn't it be ironic if the fat people ended up saving the world. They would all be heroes. On the cover of all the magazines. Until they were skinny of course.

Idea #3 - Immigration + Gravity = Energy Independence.

We force the Mexicans to walk a tremendous upward sloped ramp to enter our country. I am talking miles high. They have to roll a pyramid sized block to the top of the ramp. If they make it to the top of the ramp, they are forced to used a serious of ropes and ladders to climb down into our country. Once at the top of the ramp, they push the block off the edge. The energy gathered from the block falling to earth is harnessed to replace oil consumption. Brilliant.

Idea #4 - Combination

This is simply a combination of the three ideas. It involves (this will be on big run on sentence) fat Mexicans walking up a non electric tread mill type ramp and when at the top riding meteorites back to the surface of the earth. If you were to give me the "gun to the head" test on which idea was the best, I would go with this one.

God Bless America


Blogger Bean said...

All of the references to treadmills and walking uphill reminded me of last night's "biggest loser" in which a bunch of fat people saw how long they could continue to walk up a down escalator. I was surprised to see some of the fattest of the fatties go for over 20 minutes!

1:01 PM  
Anonymous John said...

It seems like I spend alot of time waiting at stop lights... I recommend a 50% reduction in stop lights by the year 2010. This reduction of stop and go will not only decrease the time of commute, but energy will be saved from idol traffic. Our slogan will be. Don't slow down my car and I won't slow down your economy.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous John said...

not to mention the energy saved from all them burning bulbs... people this is a crisis

8:01 PM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

I thought the weather made that show go bye bye last night.

You make me happy to be alive John. Good stuff. We should put together a really huge, ridiculous energy plan.

All of us could join in.

10:45 PM  
Blogger K. said...

Excellent ideas, all of them.

Personally I think we should get the scientists to work on creating genetically engineered dinosaurs and harvest them for their oil. Kind of like raising cows for beef, but you know, with dinosaurs.

Of course it takes millions of years the usual way but surely with some good ol' Yankee ingenuity we can figure out a device to crush the oil out of 'em.


6:55 AM  
Anonymous Cow said...

As a fat mexican lover i am offended!

9:21 AM  

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