Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Ski, Skied? , Skiing? What a complex word.

I will start off by saying what a success my previous blog was. You all really took to that one. The basis for the blog was the countless beards and mustaches I have drawn on magazine people over the years. I assumed I was not alone. What I did not take into account is that, with age, the "fun zone" of your brain slowly gets replaced with nonsense along the lines of financial concerns, job issues and marital problems. Just kidding. It was kind of a dumb idea. Anyway, on to the story of my weekend....

This past weekend I went skiing. For those of you who do not know, Gatlinburg TN is this little town in TN where rednecks like to go and get their money stolen. There are tons of shops. A lot of people from around here run off to Gatlunberg and get married. (as a side note...I am too lazy to look up how to spell one of my ways will be correct).

I did not know you could ski in Gatlinberg but you can. They had basically four trails open. 2 green, 1 blue and 1 black. 2 easy, 1 medium, and 1 hard for those who don't ski. I had not been skiing in about a year. The group that I was with were all newbies, so I did a lot of solo skiing.

The point of this story is that I crashed. Bad. I didn't break anything, but it was still a bad crash. Here is my nobel price for literature, first person telling of what happened.

The mountain stood over me like that bully in grade school who used to steal my milk money. The only difference is that the mountain was scarier. I rode the chair lift to the top praying that the cord would snap and I would die a quick death. I thought about "only the good die young" playing at my funeral. Anything to prevent me from going down this slope of insanity. As I reached the top, I thought of all the 5-14 year olds who I have seen ski much tougher trails. I also thought about the ones who were skiing right by me to go down this hill. I squirted a little bit of pee into my pants. Much like that last little bit of gas that comes out of the nozzle no matter how long you wait to hang the pump up. There is also not anything I could do about either....

Alright enough of this.

So I am going down the hill. I am going down in a zig zag fashion. This fashion is somewhere in between beginner and advanced. Beginners go down the hill in a snow plow. THis is when you make a inward "V" with your skiis as to not pick up any speed. Advanced people go down the hill hopping side to side. Regulating their speed. I go down the hill Like a sideways "W". THis allows me to regulate my speed but go fast enough to have fun. There was another guy doing the same thing in front of me. Well, I caught up with him. We both cut in on our "W" at the exact same time. I have no idea how fast I was traveling, but it was pretty durn fast.

We are skiing straight for each other and I know that we are going to hit head on. For those who don't know me, I am 6ft 3" and weigh about 250. You basically don't want to be on the other end of me going fast on skis. I threw my poles and decided to bear hug this guy. I decided that if I hug him and throw my head to the side of his body, it will be the best way to avoid bone on bone action. We hit. Picture the cartoons. When two cats fights and it is just a cloud of smoke. I land laying down the hill and he lands laying horizontal on the hill. Our feet are all intertwined with each other. We both lay there for about 2 minutes without saying a word.

After the two minutes, I decide that nothing of mine is broken. Here is the conversation the best I can remember.

Me: "You ok man?"

Him: (With a real southern accident). "yeah man, I'm good".

At this point I try to get my feet free. I realize they are tangled with his skis. He just doesn't say anything.

Me: "Are you sure your ok?"

Him: "I've been hit harder than that fore."

I try to free my skis again.

Me: "Are you sure your ok?"

Him: "Could you do me a favor?"

Me: "Sure:

Him: "Could you tell me where I am bleeding from"

Me: "Shit man..Why didn't you tell me you were bleeding? Your bleeding from your lip"

Him: "Alright man, thanks."
Anyway. Eventually he moves his feet so I can get up. I ski one more run and then go inside and call it a day. I had a sharp pain right under my knee for about a week, but no major injuries. Sorry that this story sucked. Have a good day.


Anonymous Cow said...

2 things
1. you said "durn"
2."Could you tell me where I am bleeding from" if i had a nickel for every time i heard that.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Tara said...

bleach is greatness.

i also noticed the "durn"

8:39 PM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

I am trying not to cuss. Weird words are coming out..

7:57 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

You are not allowed to go skiing ever again. Love, Mom.

10:20 AM  

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