Thursday, December 01, 2005

My Trip to Texas

Ahhh, nothing like traveling to Texas for the Holidays. Down in good ole Texas I have a heap load of family. My Aunt Patty (curves) And uncle Bill (zzz) begat Tara (Texas Tara) and Jeff(Larry feathers). My aunt Karen (zoloft) and uncle Rex (Deer Guts) begat Chrissy (Nanny 911) and Kelly (kelly). The trip consisted of my Aunt Mary who is 81 and my Mom, who laughs like a wild turkey, and myself who has not begat anything that he knows of. We decided to do the drive down in two days. I really think this makes it easier because when you get there after doing the drive in one day you are out of commision for one day anyway. Throughout my brilliant telling of this trip I will reveal several "innapropriate mom moments". These are moments in which my mother says or does something that most would consider innapropriate. There is one coming up very shortley. The trip down was considered by me to be a "Hand to cheek" trip. A hand to cheek trip gets created by two factors...1) Staying in a hotel with your mom and 81 year old aunt and 2) Having Out of state gastro-intestinal problems. I had to resort to my hand being placed on my left ass cheek and pulling laterally so that my many outbursts did not make noise. Everyone reading this has done it.

It turns out that the hotel room my mom booked was not actually on the way, so by the time I got to the hotel we decided to stay in, we were all tired. My mom then says "Well, since we are only staying here for 4 hours the hotel clerk will probably think we are having a threesome." Wild turkey laughing insued. MOMENT #1 also was created. In the morning we ate breakfast at this horrible restaraunt that was too busy. At one point I answered the restaraunt phone because I was sick of hearing it ring. It was some guy that wanted room service. I told him good luck, he might want to try back in 20 minutes.

We arrived in Dallas at about 4:00 or so and spent the rest of the day hanging around my aunt Patty's house. They have a nice house with a pool table. My cousin Tara and Jeff showed up and we got to have a little bit of social time. Jeff let us all in on his newest business venture which I am POSITIVE will appear in a blog. Anyone here who knows me well, knows that I will make a special trip to Dallas just to bare ass face anyone who goes too long without blogging.

The rest of the trip was a lot of fun. I spent one morning at Larry feathers and another whole night with Tara and her husband Kevin. Kevin pretends he is a rocket scientist. It is hilarious. He goes and buys these pictures of airplanes and has people sign them like he had some part in their design. Anyway, we spent some time making sweet sweet music, I really think I grasped deeply what the song was about. It all hinged around some girl name Eliza that Kevin used to cheat on Tara with...Am I close? Anyway, it doesn't matter, my drum part will take most the attention away from the words. I rocked that song out!

The next night the entire family, begaters and begatees met in downtown Dallas. Trying to accomplish this was about like a color blind man doing a rubics cube with his ass. We eventually made it happen and had a really good meal downtown. After the meal, I was taken out by my cousin Chrissy and cousin Kelly. We went to Coyote Ugly and a dance club in Debellum. I was told that people get shot for no reason on a regular basis so an air of excitement was in the (I wanna say air, but I just used air, make up your own ending) You might try "wind". I drank about 5 beers and 324 drinks and danced with all sorts of black women. Actually just one but man could she move.

The next morning consisted of sleep in time and a trip to the all Mexican meat market. I feel like I got a glimpse of the future. My cousin Chrissy's husband is named Pete and has also been named a Mexican. He is fluent in their secret language and tells me about all their plots to come to our country and take all the jobs you and I would be doing. Joking aside, Pete is one of the nicest people I have ever met. Chrissy is real lucky to have met such a good guy. The rest of the day was spent back at my Aunt Patty's. We loaded the car with all our belogings and hit the road back home. I had a great time, Thanks to all the Aunts, Uncles and Cousins who made it so!

At one point early in the trip home I was getting ready to pass a semi. I had passed literally 100 of them on the way down and back up. I was about 50 feet away and my mom decided that we were about to smash into the back of the semi. She then screams and flails her arms in the direction of the wheel. "GET OVER BRAD". I then real calmly (because I am used to innapropriate actions such as these) look her dead in the eyes with contempt while we happily pass the semi without inncident. This is MOMENT #2. I am actually proud of my mom only having two moments. There might of been more because I wasn't around that much.

All in all it was a great trip. Thanksgiving dinner was great!

P.S. - My pops started a blog, if you all want to check it out... feel free. Link to the right.

You are all as unique as half a snowflake! Love and kisses.



Blogger Bean said...

Awesome blog.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

I think I should say that my momma is a wonderful person and made the trip a joy for all. I felt guilty about bashing her in this blog, I couldn't sleep. I Love you momma!

9:53 AM  
Blogger ThatWomanInNewAlbany said...

I love you too, little Brad ... :) Don't worry, I laughed like a wild turkey through the whole thing!

10:03 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

That was a good funny blog, even with the lying and whatnot. We enjoyed hanging out with you guys, and you DID rock Elizaville.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

Just for the record, Kev never cheated on Tara and it was a beautiful song without the drumming.

Also Kev is a rocket scientist. I never lied, I just didn't tell the correct truth.

11:59 AM  
Blogger K. said...

Here's what I'm saying about "My Trip to Texas":

"A masterpiece of fiction"

"Two thumbs way up!"

"Riveting from start to finish...wild turkeys couldn't drag me away"

Man, now I'm gonna have to write a song called "Taraville" so the wife won't get jealous. Thanks again for all that beautiful drum action. And for the record, I'm a Rockette scientist. I study scantily-clad, chubby-legged dancers.

Also, you left out the part about Aunt Patty singing the Chipmunk Song at 110 decibels.

Come back agin now y'all, hear?


2:30 PM  
Blogger Tara said...

Poor Kev, such a Yankee. He meant to say, "Y'all come back now, y'hear!"

2:53 PM  
Blogger tschy said...

what a funny string of blog/comments...I can't think of anything clever to say, but it sure put a smile on my face!

4:21 PM  
Blogger tschy said...

your link to Mrs. Bean is the old site....the new site is

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Valerie said...

Brad, you're hilarious. I love the bits about your mom's moments. I have a billion of them. Once, my boyfriend was trying to tell my family about somthing that happened in Chicago, my mom zoned out for the first few seconds then decided to listen. Picture her with her cute little Spanish accent saying, "Mr. Who? Mr. Cago?" She thought she heard Mr. Cago instead of Chicago.

ps Next story I'll tell you is what my dad said to my boyfriend when he first met him. Something you would never expect a father ask his daughter's boyfriend. I thought I would never see Pete again.

8:30 PM  
Blogger goostermon said...

A great blog. Brad, I feel sorry for anyone who is not related to you.

Wish I could have heard the song and drumming, but I'm not sure I could handle the loud chipmunk singing!!

9:08 PM  
Anonymous Dr. Who? said...

OK, so I get to be a mystery person from your past..hmm, who am I? Well, no matter, I'm just here to tell you something I found out recently that may correlate to one of your past blog postings. Ready? Ohh how exciting is this. OK, so you know that whole side stitch thing you were really into for the longest time, it's caused by people leading off with their right foot. When you do this it somehow squashes your liver and thus eliciting major pain in your right side. So the solution? Lead off with your left foot...aka, put the most emphasis on that foot. It's hard to learn to do but it'll help ya everytime! Now, your bill is $293,453,340.44

1:45 AM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

From my past? I must admit that you have me curious. I am sorry to say that you are wrong about the side stitch thing but I appreciate you telling me your ideas.

11:30 AM  

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