Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Silent Night, Holy Shit

So I am sleeping soundly, dreaming of weird things....I had a dream that a friend of mine was getting ready to go out of town. It was actually a couple who are friends of mine. They both asked me to house sit for them. I seemed to be at their house as they were preparing to leave. I remember being really impatient, wanting them to leave really bad, so that as soon as they left I could go through all of their shit.

Anyway.....BOOM!! I wake out of my dream. A transformer must have blown I thought. BOOM!! All of the lights in apartment go out. I guess a transformer did blow. BOOM! What was that? BOOM! What in the devil was that? BOOM! BOOM! What the fuck is going on? I look out my window and see a fire.

Here is what I imagined was happening. If you have been a reader of my blog for a while you know that I live across the street from a very special, special place. We will call it the house that Vietnam created. About ten or so Vietnam vets live in this house. There is some border line supervision, but for the most part...they are nuts. Keep in mind that it is now 5:38 in the morning. I conclude that earmuffs has confinced the entire upstairs of the house that charlie has snuck in through the basement. Earmuffs is a person by the way (How he got his name will come in a later blog). Earmuffs assembles a team of four loons and they devise a plan. He then reaches under his bed and pulls out a shotgun that is sawed off so far down the barrell that you would be amazed if it still works. He positions one of the other loons near the window and rests the gun on top of this mans head for accuracy. He then attempts to take out the transformer. He will have the upper hand on his enemy in complete darkness. His first shot misses. The next shot is right on. The power goes out. In his confusion he forgets that charlie is in the basement and thinks his own team memebers are now the enemy. He begins taking them out one by one with shotgun blasts to all kinds of bad areas. He then turns the gun on himself and misses. He then turns the gun on himself and ends it all. The earmuffs fall to the floor and a dynasty comes to an end. I then attend one fucked up funeral.

Here is what really happened. If you have made it this far I commend you. In my neighborhood, the trees can grow up to 1000ft tall. I am pretty sure a Giant with magical beans lives at the top of the highest one. One of these gigantic trees just decided to be done with this whole being a tree bullshit. It took a headdive. In the process it knocked down three telephone poles and countless wires, it also cracked my motherfucking windshield. I walked outside and the entire neighborhood was yelling at me to not step off my porch. There were power lines on every car. It was like a real life after school special. Except nobody was in the car. I couldn't at this point make out if my car was ok. So I went back inside and went to sleep. About an hour later I walk back out on the porch and a fireman yelled at me to get back in my house. I eventually snuck out my back door, went down the alleyway, and had someone come pick me up. I went back later and saw the damage. Apparantly all of the loud "BOOMS!" were power lines dancing off my car. All is well with my cars electronic system but I do believe the vets are in for some intense counseling this week.

Hope this made you all laugh a little. Pray for the people who now have nowhere to call home due to the hurricane. Peace.


Blogger Tara said...

Thanks for the good story. Looking forward to more about Earmuffs.

11:08 PM  
Blogger Bean said...

So did your car have marks from where the lines popped it? Is insurance gonna cover it all?

9:17 AM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

Insurance would have covered it but the total amount of damage is under my deductable. It doesn't look as if the lines actually danced off my car. They were laying across my car though. They must have been dancing off the ground.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Bean said...

You're not having the best luck with that vehicle of yours lately.

Racketball today ?

12:48 PM  

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